Surrendered… Really??

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Have you ever noticed that God loves to whisper? I have… Often, God’s voice is barely heard. In times when my mind is the loudest, God’s voice is softest and I used to wonder why.

God says in Isaiah 30:15, “… in quietness and trust is your strength…”

So if we are really seeking to hear His whispers and will, then we have to do that in the quiet.

There was a time when I used to struggle with that. I used to have a very loud mind. I used to entertain too many voices that I could never hear God’s.

When things got tough I could never rest in Him because I lacked the strength to fully trust in Him. When we lack trust in God, we can never be still in our soul.

Then was a time when I wrestled with God.

I didn’t understand him or His ways and more importantly, I didn’t understand why He wasn’t explaining what He was doing. I thought we had a partnership so, I figured it’s not too much to ask Him to let me in on His plans. I mean, it was still my life wasn’t it?

It was a time when I was struggling with so many decisions, directions and situations. I needed breakthroughs, changes and His promises fulfilled. And so it began. I decided it was time to get real personal with God. I dug my heels in deep and confronted Him.

Every day, I would ask Him – Why? When? How? Where? What? And every day, I would remind him that I was obedient. I was faithful. I was seeking. I had surrendered and gave up all control. I was fully dependent on Him.

Then, I would ask all my questions. All. Over. Again… The next day, rewind and repeat. Then, I would sit and stew..waiting for a voice from Heaven to boom out answers to me.

Days turned into weeks and God was silent. I was mad. Eventually, I got real and told God, “it’s ok.  I didn’t need a thundering voice from heaven, a whisper would suffice”.

No whispers came.

Finally, I got tired and more frustrated than ever before. Emotionally and physically, I felt depleted and wrung out. I cried, threw my hands up and said “You Win. It wasn’t a fair fight to begin with anyway – after all, You are God!”

I stopped with the questions, then I stopped talking to Him altogether. I became still, sullen and silent – simply out of exhaustion…and slowly something began to unravel in my mind.

That’s called a revelation

Those endless questions I had? That very need to know? That was still control. In my silence, the Holy Spirit gently revealed to me that I had not in fact completely surrendered.

“… in quietness and trust is your strength…” In my quietness, I learnt to trust.

I realised that surrendering completely to God is to say, “wherever, whenever, however, and whatever Lord, as long as Your perfect will be done – 

That’s calledfaith

Not easy at all! I admit that for me to say that wholeheartedly and then faithfully place all my circumstances on His alter was like pulling teeth – minus the Novocain! After all, I’m just a mere mortal still learning to walk well with my Saviour BUT in yielding, God makes it easier.

“I know the Lord is always with me, I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me”  — Psalm 16:8

In fact, when I let Him, God even shows me how to unclench my controlling fists and let go. But I had to let it all go; when standing required too much strength, I knelt.

It was in that very posture of yielding that I found God – next to me, right where I was – down on my knees in a state of sadness, confusion and uncertainty.

In that one moment, I felt His peace weave through the maze of my mind and suddenly the clutter ceded. Then, His strength lifted me back up and I felt a familiar bounce in my step.

And I remembered…“… in quietness and trust is your strength…” In my quietness, I gained my strength.

 I realised then it is in thisvery knowing – that even when God is silent, or when I feel lost, alone or think I’m drowning, and even when I don’t see or feel His hand in my circumstance, I know in my heart of hearts that God is in the water with me.

Always, in my quietness and trust in Him, I am hidden in His rest and that gives me strength.

Are you carried by His strength? Have you truly surrendered to God? Are you really ok not knowing??

**Previously published in Christianity Malaysia 

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